okay, so i did not plan for an another reflection on 2025; i feel like i beat the dead (technically not yet, it's 6:42pm right now on new year's eve) horse quite enough to enter into 2026 with a clear mind. but i saw zhongvie's post responding to mudflower's end of year questionnaire and the questions made me think on the past year kindly. so, as a little treat for myself:

1. What small joys or sensory details defined this year for you?

coffee!! this year was definitely a year of good coffee, and i developed a lot as a casual coffee enjoyer. i started drinking coffee not that long ago (my first actual coffee drink was in 2019), and i've slowly worked my way from the milkiest, lethal-dose-of-sugar-straight-into-bloodstream drinks to normal flavored lattes to cold brew to, this year, straight up black coffee in multiple variations. personal favorites so far are cezve-brewed coffee (Armenian-style from my dad and grandma) and cold brew.

2. What is/are your 1-3 favorite photo(s) that you took this year?

my actual favorite picture features my mom hugging my brother at his high school graduation, but for privacy reasons im not sharing that here.

my second favorite picture is this, which i took on the first day i truly felt a huge rock lifted off of my chest.

3. What self-transformations happened?

quite a lot. most notably: grew out hair (with plans to keep going for another year or two), lived in the Big Scary City for 4 months and did not perish (i was convinced i would perish), found the strength to quit my comfortable but stifling job, realized how destructive some of my social behavior patterns are and have been working on being a better friend.

4. What did you learn about your own energy, boundaries, and needs?

that i outsource my needs to others too liberally, which hurts both me and them! i am the only person capable of saving myself. and i am more capable than i thought i was. community is healing, but only when given respect and autonomy.

5. What did you release this year, intentionally or naturally?

some inner tension; and my claws out of my ex-partner. i played an equal part in the destruction of our relationship and i wish i realized earlier that i was holding onto her so hard i left bruises. and i'm in the process of releasing any expectations for myself, others, the world -- it is what it is, and the only thing under my control are my own actions in response to life's events.

6. Which relationships helped you grow?

firstly, my ex partner, especially during the most ugly parts of our partnership. secondly, my wonderful friends from college: R helped me feel comfortable being seen and understood, J pushed me out of my comfort zone and taught me to be more okay with discomfort, E's so inspiring and their determination and diligence in the strive for the things they want is admirable. thirdly, my mom: she's forever an inspiration and the first person to significantly soothe the inter-generational trauma cycle in the maternal line of my family; she was also always gently pushing me towards the things i wanted but was afraid of. lastly, the people of neocities, especially those of you who i've been talking to more closely over the last month! ♥

7. What creative ventures do you want to pursue next year?

firstly, i want to finish and exhibit my senior art project (scheduled for april 2026). secondly, im interested in printmaking and woodblock / linocut / other accessible forms of making negatives, so that would be very fun to explore. lastly, i want to go a bit in a scary direction and use a sequential media format; as in -- video game or short comic. we will see!

8. What do you want to leave gently behind?

fear that paralyzes; the instinct to flee. thoughts of the form "i'm not (insert adjective) enough". thoughts of the form "i am not capable of doing (insert behavior or goal)"; i may very well not be capable of doing it, but the first thought is always too fearful than the actual truth.

9. If you could offer yourself one sentence of compassion, what would it be?

there is no good or evil, there is no right and wrong, there is no greater sense for why life is the way it is, so just let your heart guide you; "the universe is, and we are"; any decision is suboptimal; just let yourself live.