cw: non-graphic mentions of suicidality/suicidal ideation, substance use, family death

obligatory end-of-year summary/reflection/retrospective.

i've seen the "what a weird fucking year" sentiment being shared quite a lot in the last couple of weeks, i would dare say more than at the ends of the last 2 years combined. maybe that's just confirmation bias, and i'm only seeing such an overflow of "fuck this year" sentiments because i myself feel the same. regardless i do agree wholeheartedly: fuck 2025; but also -- thank you. this year has put me through a grinder of a scale and complexity that i previously could mostly avoid dealing with, as if to say: "you wanted to grow? here you go brother. grow ahead", and the resulting change in my thoughts, behaviours, and goals has really been both destructive and restorative.

i started 2025 in the company of the person i (for years) genuinely and truly believed was my forever soulmate; i'm ending the year not having spoken to my ex-partner in some time. i started the year having made a breakthrough in my immigration plans, finally finding the way to say a permanent goodbye to my country of birth and deciding to pursue immigration to the usa; i am ending the year with pretty settled plans to be returning to my birth country upon my graduation in may for reasons that are both mine and beyond me. a lot of the beliefs and convictions i had about the world and myself that i came to 2025 with are no longer the same, and this whole year was a long stretch of me remembering, relearning, uncovering.

let's run through the year briefly (edit from future august: this was not brief).

i did literally meet the new 2025 year in the company of my ex-partner. she lives in a different country and i had come to visit her for the winter break, the second time i was meeting her in-person after we had to go long distance and all of that is a long complicated story bla bla bla. what matters is that this trip had both left me feeling committed to the growing love and care we then shared for each other (bittersweet memories); and was my first time smoking weed! i realized i get mega anxiety from consuming weed (bummer, especially because it did also alleviate my chronic pain while under the influence) but was determined to try again and then the second time i got high during that trip we both majorly greened out and it was quite traumatic (/lh but kind of /gen).

the spring semester (of my junior year) -- january through early may -- has been a fast-paced overwhelming blur of "i just have to make it to the next checkpoint". my college is located in the affluent predominantly white us american suburbs where there are no people and nothing happens, so when there was an opportunity to spend a semester in The Big City doing an internship, i jumped on it and was selected for the program. i thought i would love it considering i am a self-proclaimed Big City kid. that was not an accurate prediction. besides the 2.5 hour commute, increased financial strain, and my struggles with executive functioning, the apartments where they placed us were: 1) inaccessible to me -- i have a range of accommodations for sensory needs + anaphylaxis type allergies, and none of them were able to honored to their full extent, which has made things hard if one might imagine; and 2) booked with roommates that i had no control over and, remembering point 1, were very much not compatible with my accessibility needs. as a result of all that, i spent most of my time in The Big City either hiding away in quiet cafe corners or having shutdowns and what i can only describe as meltdowns in the apartment. not fun.

there were for sure some positives during that time. i saw jhope live (!!!) which has been my dream since my diehard bts stan days way back in 2018; now i have the remaining members sans yoongi left to see live. i got comfortable figuring out public transportation in unfamiliar cities which feels like a big step for me re: anxieties. in experiencing all of the challenges outlined above, i realized where the limits of my current abilities are, and have been working on supporting them with better systems since. i had a pretty great internship doing web design and light web development and got some money out of it too. i also finally got the courage to quit my library assistant job, which i began to resent a few months before the resignation due to unfortunate poor management and the light mistreatment of my labor and committment, and got a new job at the campus IT helpdesk which i am thoroughly enjoying.

i returned back to my birth country over the summer to see my brother's high school graduation, care for an elderly family member, and pursue medical care that i cannot afford in the usa. these months were a slog and a blur and i remember little of the specifics because i was suicidal pretty much from the first week i was back there. i have no friends left in that country, i severely disagree with everything happening in there politically, and i was working remotely for a company back in the usa and therefore had no need to go outside and touch grass. the combination of these factors leaves me suicidal pretty much every time i go back (a pattern that's ironically soothing in its predictability). i was unwell and i was not a great friend to several people. i thankfully managed to rebuild relationships with most of them and am so grateful for their patience, but i guess this was the last straw for my ex-partner, who (consensually, i am comfortable with polyamory) got herself a new girlfiend and has progressively had less patience for me and my bullshit starting from late may - early june.

there are actually a quite few highlights of the summer, but most notably: my brother graduated high school and i am delighted (and jealous) to see him absolutely thrive in the school environment and be very socially adjusted; he later managed to get to his dream uni, which is one of the best in the country; with my job i was able to afford medical treatment (and a prescription that has improved my quality of life a decent bit); i went to a really cool international eco art exhibit; i drank a lot of good coffee.

i was back in the usa in early august and the fall semester started soon after. again this period starts to blur as academics get difficult at the senior level, and as i have several concurrent situations going on:

1. my remaining (paternal) grandpa died. my maternal grandpa passed away back in 2021; i was not present for either of their deaths due to immigration living. i was a little prepared for his death because he had significant health struggles for years, but it still hurt horribly. my emotions were also complicated by the fact that he never got to hear me speak Armenian: it has been my goal to learn my father's language for years and i keep (to this day) putting it off, but i really did wish to talk to my grandparents in their native language at least once, and now one of them is gone.
2. i started to have serious relationship issues with the ex. the comparatively light tension that developed during mid-summer grew into full blown arguments in fall. it's a little embarassing but i was legit crying myself to sleep most nights for a few months there. i felt a lot of anger and pain and resentment, especially since everything i was seeing from her and her new girlfriend (who was/is, by the way, dating her in-person while i was in another country unable to leave -- you can see how the dynamic was never good) was lovey dovey shit and a lot of patience for each other. i kind of knew we were done when my ex bailed on our scheduled call in order to have a date with her girlfriend without telling me; but i remained in the relationship because i was desperate and she kept telling me she's willing to try and fix things. i also became quite cruel at times, and im aware i hurt her as deeply as she hurt me, perhaps worse. i wish i never put her in that position and i regret being hurtful; i also genuinely exerted what felt like the full extent of my emotional and social efforts to be a kinder and better partner, and still feel like none of these efforts were acknowledged.
3. the trump administration is full on hostile, and while i'm incredibly privileged in many respects, i do feel some effects of the new politics. my earlier plans to start the process of immigrating to the usa or canada are halted: for the usa, the h1b visa complications, the re-structuring of f1 visa applications, the halt of asylum seeking hearings and the dissolution of the green card lottery all made the immigration process in my situation significantly less achievable; for canada, i was planning to apply for a master's program and move in together with my at the time partner, and you can guess what happened to these plans. i start to really worry about what the fuck do i do to avoid going back to my birth country. i also start realizing i can't possibly be making enough money to immigrate anywhere on my current (below minimum wage) paychecks.

there are highlights happening here amids the chaos: i'm having a great time reconnecting with good friends; my jobs are incredibly exciting, as i work in IT during the day, and as a studio art / research assistant "at night"; i'm having a pretty good time doing my first solo art project (to be exhibited in april 2026). but i'm not going to lie these were a couple of tough months. i returned to some of my more destructive coping mechanisms and that was a sign to me that something needs to change asap.

all these kind of come to a roaring catharsis in november. i broke up with my ex-partner after 5 years of complex entanglements and found myself hurt, lost, and alone for the first time in a few years. the immigration changes, coupled with a few health episodes and me being unable to access healthcare in the usa due to costs solidify my decision to not consider the usa as a country for permanent residence. i do not have enough money to consider any other country at this moment; so, with a heavy heart, i start making arrangements to see if i can return to my birth country and be relatively politically safe. the semester finishes with me battered and burnt out but with a newfound bittersweet determination that "i cannot live like this anymore" and that "something has to change" and here we are.

i'm two weeks into winter break and i have two more left. i've been focusing on spending that time with my friends that i may not see again after i leave the country (as they all are either us residents or have better immigration plans like marriage), and it's been really lovely to hang out and have very fulfilling conversations. i started watching a couple of things (dimension 20 and, thanks to my best friend R, star wars), and catching up on my reading (giovanni's room right now, which is so well written and heartbreaking). i'm finally waking up and trying to do something fun before i leave -- i hope to book a tattoo appointment with a really cool artist, and i got tickets to see dodie! there is a newfound agency and resolve within me as i face circumstances a little beyond my control and say: "well, it is what it is, and i will give it my best shot regardless."

at around 5 years ago i switched from doing new year's resolutions to new year's themes. 2025 was, you guessed it, the year of growth; i think i really did get my wishes thrown back at me. after the last 12 months that, if anything, have proved that i can do hard things and only leave with minor permanent damage (thanks, inaccessible usa healthcare!), and after so many years i've spent avoiding being brave and really taking responsibility over my life, wellbeing, and decisions, i want 2026 to be the year of power and agency.

of taking responsibility over what my life and legacy are like. of finding strength within me to fight against my fears and reconnect with the parts of me i tried to bury to be more safe. of making suboptimal decisions, because no decision is optimal, from a calm and expansive mindset, and standing strong by these choices.

when i turned 23 this year, i said: "this is the first year where i truly feel ready for my age". as 2026 rolls around, i think this is the first year where i truly feel ready to take on the year ahead.

fuck you; thank you; see you, 2025.